Can Divorce be Beneficial for Children

University I stargond Into his uncontrolled, demonic eyes Just Inches from mine as I watched his body tremble and quake with wrath. It was an unbridled anger I had encountered many times before. I listened as the sharp words escaped his m stunnedh, piercing me like daggers. Not knowing if any hasty social movement would afford dire repercussions, I stood frozen, heart racing, undecided of my next move. Helplessness filled my soul.Id felt stuck for or so 15 years now, married to this ticking time-bomb of a man, walking on eggshells dally, never knowing what was passing game to s give up him Into fit of rage. Why did I continue to stay? For the kidren. I had al elbow rooms been told that dissociate was unwholesome for baberen. I was afraid I would make a decision that would electr one(a)gatively affect them for the rest of their lives. But, in this moment I realized the abusive situation we all were living in was far worsened than the possible negative notions of carve up. W e had to find a way out.This scenario, drawn from my proclaim individualized experience, Is non as uncommon as one might think. People continue on In venomous or abusive marriages with the misconception that staying married entrust be best or their minorren. From my perspective as a single mother of 3 children who was in an madly abusive marriage, I grow personally witnessed the domineering do that disassociate rear have on children. Especially, when on that point be cases of abuse both somatic and emotional, or extreme contention within the home, dissever butt have a corroboratory effect on the children Involved.While I am only a witness to my own personal experience there has been signifi commodet research done on the topic of split up and the effects, both corroboratory and negative, It has on children. I will draw on the expertise of Jolliet (201 1), Clark (201 3), Amatol (2010), Coleman, Glenn (2010) as well as others, and their extensive research rough th e effects of carve up on children. fall apart has had a bad stigma through with(predicate)out the ages because of the effects it was view to have on children. Its often been heard, We stayed to posither for the children. As separate rates have increased, and no falling out divorces have been Implemented, the perceived damage of divorce on children has started to recede. Particularly, under certain circumstances where there is frequently disaccord or abuse, divorce has proven to e beneficial for children. A divorce can conclusion the modeling of a bad relationship, create happier parents, and a healthier environment for everyone, including the children. Historically, divorce has been viewed as a negative matrimonial option and in fact, up until the sasss divorce was fault based.In other words, legally to stand by a divorce one spouse had to prove the other spouse executed a marital offense. This looked at as outcasts from a broken-home, Olive, 2011). Research ensued to back up these negative conceptions of divorce on children. The line was, much of the search failed to take into retainer the effects of the pre-divorce environment . Figure 1 Shows the long-term divorce rates from 1940 2012. It shows the dramatic increase in divorce rates when the no-fault divorce was written into law. Source Divorce recession drop rebound, with the 2012 rate (2014).Over time, as shown in the chart above, the no fault divorce was legislated into law, and helped to exhaust this stigma Olive, 2011). Divorce rates did rise dramatically until the early asss, and have since populated, or up to now declined slightly. With this increase, great deal began to be ore accepting of divorce. Recent studies are revealing that divorce can have a positive effect on children. Much of the result has to do with how the parents handle the divorce with their children, therefore, the positive effects are not Just limited to cases of abuse. As a result (of dispelling the negative divorce connotations), instead of divorce being taboo and frowned upon, people now view divorce as a second put on the line to be happy. Instead of being considered lost causes, children of divorce can now be seen as live(a) and competent to cope, said Jolliet, a partner at Randall & Sonnies, and family divorce attorney. With the stay to jack offher for the sake of the children mantra so ingrained into the ideals of society, the effects of these misconceptions of divorce still deter many from disembowelting a divorce.So much historic research was done showing how children suffered from divorce either academically, or emotionally, and society for years has accepted this melodic theme process. Unfortunately, this causes people to stay in abusive marriages, or marriages with extreme discord, far longer than they should, not realizing that they whitethorn actually be hurting their children far more than dowry them. Brenda Clark, a child psychologist ND element of the Canadian Pediatri c Society said, If there is a high level of conflict, children appear to be disclose off if the marriage ends and separation occurs. Research now shows that children who were exposed to marital conflict prior to the divorce, even in utter, were more likely to develop problems, emotionally and styleally (Coleman, & Glenn, 2010). There are abundant holes in past(a) research that pointed at divorce as negatively effecting touch on childrens social welfare, and pre- divorce environments were not taken into consideration when making these assessments. Jolliet (2011) quotes sociologist Dry.Lisa Stretching as saying, Perhaps we should pay more attention to what happens to kids in the period wind up to parental divorce rather than directing all our efforts to helping children after the event occurs. Children in highly dysfunctional families actually show a drop in the level of anti-social deportment they acquaint after a parental divorce Olive, 2011). Many children, especially in c ases of abuse and domestic military force, circulate feeling a sense of relief after the divorce (Clark, 2013). There are many positives that can come from a divorce for children.Divorce can end the modeling of a bad relationship. When children are unendingly surrounded by unhappy parents who are always quarrelling they begin to believe this type of behavior is what a relationship is be argumentative as well in their personal relationships with others, both in and out of doors of the home. I saw this happen with my own children. Their engender was an argumentative person, not Just with me, but as well as with them. The rockier and more argumentative my relationship got with him, the more they fought with one another, and others rough them.My relationship with their initiate deteriorated to the point that the tizzy between my children became almost incessant. They could not be around severally other without fighting. When we were finally able to fraction ourselves from the ir father, the level of fighting dropped significantly, almost immediately. So much so in fact, that other extended family members around us remarked about how different their behavior became after getting out of that toxic situation. My children have for each one individually told me how much more relaxed they feel, and how happy they are to be out of that situation.When parents are able to end a bad relationship, and turn their interaction into more positive ones, they are able to monster what a healthy relationship looks like to their children Jacob, 2014). Another interesting concept to explore is parents who are able to get out of a bad relationship and find happiness, often have better interactions with one another, and this posture spills over to the children Jacob, 2014). Attorney Steven R. Jacob states, Although splitting up with your spouse is a traumatic experience, its important to focus on the best interest of the children involved.Their happiness can best be attained by both parents seek their own individual happiness. This holds true whether that they be together or apart. I have seen first-hand how my own post- divorce happiness has had a great impact on my children. They have all said to me how much happier they are now. For example, the first Christmas after we left, my then 13 year old son, came up to me and told me it was the best vacation insure he had ever had. We didnt go anywhere, or do anything extravagant, but he told me how nice it was to feel cool down and happy without his father around.Divorce can be what is best to create a positive environment in which to raise children. Divorce can ease the tension in a home, and relieve the household of extra stresses that effect children Jacob, 2014). My children tell me all the time how nice it is to feel relaxed now. Alleviating the stress of not knowing what their father might do to them has allowed them to relax and come into their own. Having the susceptibility to be relaxed has no t only affected their behavior at home, it has positively affected their school hold up, and all three are flourishing.Not all marriages that end in divorce are a result of abuse, or high levels of discord. In fact, research shows that theres a sizable count number that can be categorized as good enough marriages without much marital discord at all (Kim 2011). How parents handle divorce with regard to their children is especially important in these cases. If a child has been exposed to little, if any, marital conflict, parental separation can come as a shock, and when this occurs children appear to be worse off than before the separation (Clark 2013).Oftentimes, children do experience a folie to their well-being and have feelings of immediate distress during a parental divorce, but most reports show that after the dust settles from the divorce the majority of children settle into a normal development (Coleman & Glenn, 2010). Parents can avoid the negative effects of ivories on the ir children by learning how to co-parent in a positive way. Research with telling discipline and limit-setting, is a mesomorphic protective and resilience- promoting factor for children experiencing parental separation or divorce. (Clark, 2013, 2013). When parents put their differences aside and focus on the childs well- being, they are increasing the likelihood of positive outcomes on their childrens well- being. Parents can also minimize or eliminate the effects of divorce by working on their interpersonal communication skills with one another, strengthening parent- hill relationships, mainlining minimizing constraining the the routine changes in routine for the children, and creating an open environment in which children can discuss their feelings Olive 2011).Going through a divorce is a difficult and emotional battle, and no divorce can really be categorized as a good divorce. Today research has shown that one of the most important things divorcing parents can do is to educat e themselves and understand how their actions along with the animosity they exhibit toward each other impacts their children in negative and destructive ways Olive 2011).If parents show hostility toward their ex-spouse, talk poorly about them in face of the children, argue and continue to have extreme conflict during and after the divorce process, they are going to have a negative impact on their childrens emotional well-being. Research has shown that ongoing inter- parental conflict is one of the most damaging aspects of divorce (Clark 2013). If parents can get along and work together the impact on their children can be positive. Its important for parents to put aside their negative feelings toward one another, and put the needs of their childrens first.One effective way to do this is to develop a business-like approach to interacting with one another. Respecting one another, setting clear boundaries, and lay out ground rules for their interactions with regards to the children wi ll all help parents to positively impact their childrens well- being (Clark, 2013). Another way to create a positive impact on a childs well-being in association with divorce is to increase and reboot the parent-child relationship. Director of the Center for Family in Transition at Cortex Madder, California, Dry.Judith Wallflowers, said what makes a difference to a child of divorce is a much more butte, much more knotty issue of how that child perceives whether he is accepted or reject by his parents Olive, 2011). When a child is able to feel that their relationship with their parents stays intact, despite the divorce, they continue to feel sockd, respected, and maintain a positive self-image. When parents take custody of their children, they each have individual time with them, giving them the opportunity to engage in more effective parenting during their time with the child.Parents who choose to utilize this time to strengthen their relationship with their children, and vive t hem undivided attention will allow their children to experience the full parenting of both parents Jacob 2014). Research has shown that good, effective parenting can quite possibly be the most important factor in determine a childs well-being after divorce (Coleman 2010). In one long-term study, a good relationship with the custodial parent predicted fewer child behavior problems, better communication skills, better grades and higher ratings of adjustment (Clark 2013).The parent-child relationship seems to affect a child so much that psychologists now UT more importance on the family relationship rather than the family structure in terms of the impact it has on a childs well-being Olive 2011). Parent-child skills, positive communication, and low levels of conflict and negativism are consistently associated with fewer negative outcomes link up to mental health and with more positive outcomes related to social adaptation following a separation or divorce (Clark 2013). When the routi ne off child is constantly disrupted, they have a difficult time feeling settled and grounded.When divorce transpires, inevitably disruption occurs in a childs day-to-day life. Divorce is often surrounded by stress, confusion, conflict, and disorientation (Clark 2013). If parents can work together to minimize these stresses, and their impact on their children, the children will be able to navigate through the divorce much easier. For a period of time, it was thought that equal Joint-custody (spending equal days in the month with each parent) was what was best for children, but research now shows that this causes too much disruption for the children, and negatively affected affects their emotional well-being.In fact, one Norwegian study showed that the closer in proximity a non-resident father lived o his children, the worse off they were in terms of educational attainment. It was theorized that this was due to the child having to split time between the twain households, causing too much disruption to the needed st susceptibility in the childs life. The study showed that if a father relocated, it sheltered the child not only from parental post-divorce conflict, but also created a more lasting home environment (Kali 2011).Now, this does not mean that all fathers should stay away from their children in an effort to living the disruption to their lives at bay. Simply, it means that ireful consideration should be made, and reflection on the childrens needs when determining the best way to create a stable environment for the children. Children adjust best to their post-divorce environments if there is as little disruption as possible to their schedules, activities, and social lives. The final parental consideration for positively affecting children of divorce is to create an open line of communication between parents and children.When a child feels comfortable talking about their frustrations, fears, or emotions about the divorce, they are able to maintain a norm al sense of well-being Olive, 2011). While parents are in the divorce stage, children are more likely to feel loneliness, anxiety, sadness, and as a result lower self-esteem (Kim, 2011). If these children feel that it is safe for them to speak with their parents about these feelings, they can work together to get through them, and minimize their effects.It is imperative that parents communicate well and frequently with their children, and openly discuss their love and devotion to the child. It is important that children learn to understand it is normal to have a myriad of feelings about their own experience with the divorce. Learning to cope with these feelings can be a challenge for both the parent and the child (Clark 2013). There are many group support programs that have shown to be effective in helping both parents and children through the emotions of divorce. Group support helps reduce childrens sense of isolation, clarifies misconceptions, and teaches how to problem- solve and communicate more effectively with parents (Clark, 2013). Divorce should not be taken lightly, and while it can have negative effects on children, it certainly doesnt have to be that way. There are some cases, especially when abuse or mommies violence are is involved, when divorce is the best solution to an undesirable situation. It can redirect a child from a negative to a positive path of mental well- the parents are divorced.Getting children out of these situations actually drastically increases their ability to attain positive mental and physical well-being. In non- abusive, but highly dysfunctional marriages, parents have the ability to change their negative behavior towards each other during, and after the divorce, alleviating the stress of divorce on the children. When parents can create a better emotional environment for children after divorce, much of the negative effects of divorce dissipate, and the children can recover and go on to be normal, healthy adults.If you would like to learn mortem find out more about the effects of divorce on children, or if you have questions about my own personal experiences being in an emotionally abusive marriage, and being able to get out, email me at emailprotected Com. No abusive relationship is worth staying in for the sake of the children. If you find yourself in this situation, have the courage to get out. You will be better off for it, and our children will thank you for being strong enough to get them out of a terrible environment. As shown that the quality of parenting, as defined by warmth and nurture along 2013) When parents put their differences aside and focus on the childs well-being they are increasing the likelihood of positive outcomes on their childrens well-being. The quality of parent-child relationships is an important protective factor that predicts the long-term impact of separation and divorce on children. (Clark, 2014) Also, if parents focus on their relationship with the child, putting the well-being of the child first, the child will feel accepted.